IN HER OWN WORDS: CRYSTAL'S PORN TESTIMONY

I was 10 years old when my addiction began. No, that's not a typo. At just 10 years old, I found a pornographic magazine in my older brother’s bathroom.

I remember it all so clearly as if it were yesterday that I could even tell you the name of the magazine.

At that time in my life, my mother was just coming out of a 2-year stint of clinical depression and my father traveled for a living.

So I found myself alone quite a bit as my brothers, although were older than me, were ill-equipped to care for me and were of course, dealing with their own adolescent rebellions.
I was home alone much of the time and quite sheltered. So much so that I didn’t even know what sex was, let alone understand what this magazine I had just found was all about.

Through the combination of being naive and just childhood curiosity, I decided to explore it. And in that one moment, in that one innocent act of opening the magazine, I not only exposed my eyes to images I had never seen before, but I exposed my heart, my mind and my body to a world that no 10 year old should ever have entered.

It wouldn’t be until later in my adolescence that I would be taught about sex properly, but by then the damage had already been done.

You see, my relationship with pornography didn’t stop with that one magazine when I was 10 years old. Oh no. That one magazine was only the key to Pandora’s box. I quickly discovered there was a whole world of this stuff, enough to keep me quite occupied for years to come.

Leaving no stone unturned, I engaged in pornography on television, in movies and eventually the Internet. It was everywhere and totally and completely accessible. As I got a little bit older (around my mid-teens) and my needs became more intense, I began engaging in masturbation, phone sex and cyber sex as well. Which later lead me to dysfunctional relationships with men.

But the best part was, I could get my needs met, while still calling myself a virgin. Which was actually really important to me.

The years of my pornography addiction were incredibly confusing times.

I’ve never been what you would call a skinny girl. And I didn’t understand why I didn’t look like the women in the pornography, who were so beautiful, thin, tall and blonde. Or why men weren’t interested in me the way they were interested in those women.

And this contributed to low self-esteem and a low self-worth.

The confusion continued as for several years, I even questioned my sexual orientation because I was looking at both men AND women and experiencing equal pleasure from both.

The thing about living a life of sin and deception is that it promotes a life of isolation as well.

I was too ashamed to tell anyone about what I was doing because in my mind I was the only girl to EVER have struggled with a pornography addiction and it would also tarnish the image I created of myself in the eyes of others. I was also fearful that if anyone found out, they’d make me stop. And frankly, that was not something I was willing to do.

So I kept my relationships shallow and people at a distance.

I wasn’t just addicted to the pornography though which I think is becoming quite obvious.

I was addicted on a chemical level… to my own body chemistry. Just like alcohol or drugs, pornography stimulates certain hormones that the body begins to crave. I was addicted to how it made me feel physically, but also and probably more so, how it made me feel emotionally and mentally.

I can’t speak for every woman, but what I am finding through my research and was definitely true in my own life… is that unlike men, the addiction to pornography in the lives of women is not so much about the physical component but has almost everything to do with the emotional needs of that woman.

In my own life, pornography filled a need for intimacy, affection and acceptance that I wasn’t receiving at home. As I said before, my parents were not emotionally available to me in the early years of my addiction, particularly from my dad.

The relationship a girl has with her dad is crucial to her emotional development. It is a bit of a tangent, but I can’t stress this point enough. It has been proven that an underlying contributor to homosexuality, promiscuity and addiction among women, can actually be linked back to how good or bad the relationship with her dad was. And later in life, a girl will often see her heavenly Father in same way she sees her earthly father. So if she had a dad who was emotionally unavailable, abrasive or unreliable… she will see God in a similar light.

And speaking from experience, making that disconnect once it has been made, is extremily difficult.

When I became a Christian at 16 years old, the severity of my addiction became abundantly clear. What was once shame had turned into conviction. Not only had pornography taken over my life in more ways than one, pornography was an idol.

An idol is something that is worshiped. So you could say, I worshipped pornography each time I placed my sinful desires above God and the covenant I had just entered into with Him.

In my mind, pornography was a companion that had been with me for so many years. A companion that provided me comfort and security, both emotionally and physically.

It took me a long time to see that I was worshipping a false god and to see that I wasn’t in control of the pornography at all, but rather, the pornography through sin was controlling me all along.

I had actually become a slave to it.

I knew that I was being prompted to bring someone into my junk. To Expose this secret I had been holding onto for so many years. Fighting it on my own was just not going to work anymore.

The more familiar I became with the idea of accountability and true Christian community, the more I wanted it … and knew I needed it. Problem… I didn’t have close relationships. It wasn’t as though I could go to my best friend and say, “Hey, I’m addicted to porn. I’m drowning. Help me!”

I prayed for a several months for God to give me the strength to tell someone… anyone… or simply provide an opportunity for me to do so. Then, at 17 years old, in a very unexpected place, with a very unexpected person, my opportunity came.

While attending a concert, I was asked to help with a merchandise table for one of the bands. The other merch attendant was the fiancée of a friend I knew in the band.

She was a few years older than me, but we got to talking about all kinds of things, were laughing and enjoying the concert, when all of a sudden she said to me, “I used to struggle with a pornography addiction.”

What she did for me that day changed my life forever. And little did know at that particular moment, that we would later become co-workers, great friends and she’d single-handedly walk me through to sobriety.

God truly does answer prayer and that’s my story.

What my friend did for me all those years ago, is exactly what I want to do for you now -- if you're finding yourself over your head in addiction.

You've already done the first step. You're here. Now, see how we help.

With hope...