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IN HER OWN WORDS: CRYSTAL'S PORN TESTIMONY
And would be the day that my 8-year rendezvous with pornography addiction began. - - - - - - When I was 10 years old, on an almost daily basis, I’d come home from school to an empty house. It never bothered me, though. In fact, I relished in my solitude. I am actually quite the introvert. Standing and talking before you all is truly an act of God because I am totally freaking out. So, I had my routine. I’d drop my book bag on the floor. Grab a snack and a drink from the fridge. Plop myself on the couch. And switch the TV channel to Saved by the Bell. Another side bar I should probably mention… is my mother. Even though 2 years prior she suffered a bout of clinical depression, that didn’t stop her from shielding from the world. She did all the right things. Filtered internet, parental controls on the cable, the works. Some would even say she went overboard. But needless to say, she kept me safe. She kept me naive. So on that ordinary day, when I found a questionable magazine sitting in the bathroom primarily used by my oldest brother… I was unsuspecting… Sure, I had seen romantic movies. Maybe even a boob or two in Titanic. But I had no idea what sex really was. Let alone have even a clue what pornography was. So when I found this magazine, my naïve and curious self, decided to explore my newfound freedom. I picked up the magazine. I opened the front cover to the first page. And from that point on… bought into the lie. - - - - - - The allure of pornography didn’t stop with that one magazine, but was simply the key to Pandora’s box. I soon discovered that pornography was everywhere. And it was easily accessible from virtually anywhere I went. And literally virtually. I left no stone unturned. I engaged in pornography on television, in movies and eventually on the Internet. In fact, my first cyber sex experience was at home. On our filter internet, in what was supposed to have been a safe chatroom. As I got a little bit older (around my mid-teens), I began using masturbation as part of my porn routine. And the best part was - I could get my physical and emotional needs met - while still calling myself a virgin. Because ironically enough, being a virgin was really important to me. But in my sin, I became deceiver. As with most addicts, I covered my tracks well. Ask anyone who was in my life at that time, and they would tell you they had no clue I was engaged in such a battle. When I finally told my mom about my addiction a couple of years ago, I did so in layers as to not totally throw her into a coma. She had been utterly clueless. Everyone was clueless. I was involved in all of the right activities and kept my grades up… the poster child of good behavior. And I used that reputation to my advantage. The thing about living a life of deception though is that it promotes a life of isolation as well. I was too ashamed to tell anyone about what I was doing because in my mind I was the only girl to EVER have struggled with a pornography addiction. I was also fearful that if anyone found out, they’d make me stop. And frankly, that was not something I was willing to do. So I kept relationships shallow and people at a distance. Pornography became my closest companion. My only companion. In my mind, I was buying the lie that pornography was a companion providing me comfort and security, both emotionally and physically. Just like alcohol or drugs, pornography stimulates certain hormones that our body begins to crave. I can’t speak for every woman, but what I am finding through research and what was definitely true in my own life… is addiction to pornography for women is not as much about how it makes us feel physically, but how it makes us feel emotionally. Women are emotionally designed for intimacy. In my own life, pornography filled a huge need for intimacy, affection and acceptance that I wasn’t receiving at home. Particularly from my dad. - - - - - - When I became a Christian at 16 years old, the severity of my addiction became much clearer. Not only had pornography taken over my life in more ways than one, pornography became my idol. Most of us know that an idol is something that is worshiped. So you could say, I worshipped pornography each time I placed my desire for lust above my desire for Christ. When we do that as Christians, we are telling God that we don’t need Him. We’re telling Him that we find greater pleasure in serving our sin than we do in serving our Savior. Jesus says in John 8:34, “I tell all of you with certainty that everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin.” It took me a long time to see that I was worshipping a false god through pornography and to see that I wasn’t in control of the pornography at all, but rather, the pornography through sin was controlling me all along. I had actually become a slave to it. Pornography had become my master. - - - - - - John 10:10 says, “The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy.” And this is exactly what the sin of pornography has done to God’s creation of sex and is exactly what my choice to sin with pornography did to me. Pornography stole my innocence. Pornography killed my relationships. Pornography destroyed my life. Rock bottom looks different for everyone. My rock bottom occurred just a few weeks before my 19th birthday. The pornography I was viewing was no longer satisfying. The masturbation I was engaging in was no longer satisfying. The cyber sex chat rooms were no longer satisfying. The men I performed phone sex with were no longer satisfying. My addiction desired something more. My addiction desired something new. I had become manic searching for where my next big hit was going to come from. But my biggest hit would be hitting rock bottom… while I say alone at a hotel… awaiting a sexual encounter with a stranger. It was in that moment, I first heard God’s voice and He said, “Crystal, have something so much better for you … if only you’d only give this to me.” I conceded in the only way I knew how. As I sat on the edge of the bed, placing my head in my hands, closed my eyes tighter than I ever had before, and just prayed that God would be make person I was waiting for leave. When door knocked, I did not answer. I remained in my prayerful position, just praying God make this person leave. And soon, the knocking stopped, I wiped the tears from my face and 10 minutes later… I went home. - - - - - - Exactly one week later, I found myself back in my old life. This time at a Christian concert that I had helped put together with some students at a local youth group. I just wandered around until I found a place I could easily hide and get through the evening unnoticed. Then I saw the merch table for my friend’s band. I had been friends with him for a little while and figured it would be okay for me to hang out over there. They were already heading on stage but I noticed his wife was sitting there. I had only met her a handful of times at that point, but she was nice and I knew I could easily make small talk, if necessary. She was a few years older than me, but we got to talking about all kinds of things, even laughing some and enjoying the concert, when all of a sudden she said to me, “I used to struggle with a pornography and it is kinda creeping up again. I need someone to help me keep that in check. Do you think you could help me with that?” I was deadpan. Almost choking on my diet cola, I simply said to her, “Yeah, sure that would be fine.” Never giving away for a second that I just peed my pants. You need to understand that I had never known ANYONE who had a pornography problem, let alone another woman. But it appeared I had choice. I could walk away from my only chance for help. Or I could jump in headfirst and accept this gift sitting across the table from me. So, I asked her to elaborate. She explained in great detail about how pornography had been a thorn in her side since she was a teenager. How she actually threw her computer away in order to free her life of it. She explained that there were very few resources for women porn addicts but there was a certain computer software download that worked as accountability, instead of filtering—and did I want to help keep her accountable. Interrupting her, and I said 2 simple words: “Me too.” I immediately began sharing with her all about the last 8 years of my entrapment. How I simply couldn’t stop. That I had hit rock bottom only the week before and had no clue how to climb out. We agreed in that moment that we would help each other. We would later become co-workers and to this day she is the greatest friend I’ve ever known. God used this woman to help set me free. And for over 7 years now, I am living a life of sobriety. You've already done the first step. You're here. Now, see how we help. With hope... Crystal Renaud |
